Coughing Screaming Lung Ashtray (EXPIRED)
When a lit cigarette is placed on this ashtray, it starts coughing and screaming, replicating the reaction smokers have when their doctors tell them the bad news.
Harry Potter Marathon, with screenings of all eight films
That's $4.74/film and the best offer we can find to give this movie franchise the sendoff it deserves. (The downside is that once you've put yourself through this, you might get nauseated at the mention of wizardry.)
Pearl 5-Piece Completer Set
"Dinnerware set? You ... you complete me. And I just ... "
"Shut up! Just shut up! You had me at 'vegetable bowls'!"
Craftsman 50-Foot 5/8" All Rubber Garden Hose
Barbarino suggests you get this item nasally fitted.
General Tools & Instruments Infrared Thermometer
This item allows you to make an accurate ruling when your significant other asks if the clothes they're wearing make them look hot. "Meh. About 98-point-six."
SteamFast Garment Steamer (EXPIRED)
Of note, steamed garments retain their nutrients better than boiled or fried garments.
The 8-Bit Watch
Someone who is really into a) 8-bit video games b) watches and c) puns might be tempted to call this an "Omega Man Watch".
Mead Spiral 5-Subject 180-Count Wide Ruled Notebook (EXPIRED)
With this book, you'll have enough paper to send 180 "I like you, do you like me? Yes/No (circle one)" notes to that cutie in 3rd period math. (Don't forget to dot your "i"s with hearts.)
Annoy-A-Tron with TV Poltergeist
The Annoy-A-Tron emits a loud beep in varying intervals and features a magnet for hiding. The TV Poltergeist turns TVs on and off at random intervals. Had Charles Boyer had both of these, Ingrid Bergman would have cracked in no time.
Ratcheting Hex Key Wrench Set
It's the biggest set of hexes we've seen since we angered that warlock, last All Hallow's Eve.
Wentworth 4-Piece Conversation Set
There is no indication of whether the "conversation" mentioned in the product name is supposed to be taking place on these items or about them. Best to cover both bases and only talk about patio furniture, at all times.
AMC Gold Experience Ticket 4-Pack (EXPIRED)
At $7.50/ticket, it will help alleviate some of the anger you feel after having chosen to see Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides.
Quest 4-Person Raft (EXPIRED)
It can hold four people or up to 510 lbs. — so Marshall, Will, and Holly (on their routine expedition) should be perfectly safe.