I CAN. God, it's been a chore. But I do it because people are depending on me (and I need the steady pay check.) So, I soldier on.
I convinced myself to take a look back at some of the rumors I've covered over the past 365 and re-evaluate them. In most instances, it's just an excuse for me to double-up on the snark I've already piled onto the worst of them. Think of this post as a "director's commentary" on a year's worth of rumors!
For the sake of your sanity, I've broken the piece into two bits. This week, I'll cover the best of the "not a chance" rumors, with the "I knew it!" rumors coming next week.
So, without further ado, here are the Best of the Not Trues:
September 21, 2007
- Super-richy Woz to marry super-b...er... Kathy Griffin?
Alas, UNTRUE! After breaking it off with the 'Griff, he turned around and married someone else — while on a Segway! (Sad, really, but I didn't have to look up the answer to this one online.)
- HTML code reveals "iPhone Extreme".
Most people I know consider the new 3G iPhone pretty eXtreme ... eXtremeley eXpensive! ZING!
- Facebook to use your cookies to serve up ads?
Turns out, what happened was even worse: Facebook would tell all your friends what you've been buying! Thanks for "outing" my secret kinks to all my friends and family, Zuckerberg!
- Best Buy hording Wiis? - Well, we all knew this day would come. Time to send a Hobbit to infiltrate Best Buy's lair and bring the secrets back out for the good of man-kind.
This one remains unsubstantiated ... but I can't help but feel that they're doing SOMETHING crooked in there ... (They're certainly not putting their attention to customer service, after all, so it MUST be something devious.)
- New iPhone firmware to finally bring copy-and-paste functionality? - Well, kudos to Apple for making something as simple as "CTRL-C, CTRL-V" into a drool-worthy feature. I bet, had they thought of it, they would have left the off-switch off of the device, so that people would clamor for it, then wet themselves when they got it.
Hilariously, it's STILL absent from the phone. And when a third-party developer tried to create one, it was shut down by Apple's goons. I can only surmise that Steve Jobs is currently working on some sort of device that harnesses the power of Mac fanboy-ism so that, when they finally release their own version, Steve will collect the fervor and use it to re-charge his cold, black, robot heart.
- PC Gaming Alliance to be formed? - They will gather, once a year, in a secret cave, and try to figure out how, with the console market eating into the PC gaming market, they can keep people buying computers. Psst! Here's a hint: Tell people that computers are for more than just gaming! It's crazy, I know!
This probably happened, but, of course, the first rule of the PC Gaming Club is: Don't talk about PC Gaming Club.
- NVIDIA to buy AMD? - If this is true, I wonder if NVIDIA's next bright idea will be to tie a boulder around their necks and going swimming.
Has not happened yet. Instead, NVIDIA decided to create chipsets that fail on a massive scale.
- Slim Xbox 360? - By designing a slimmer form-factor, there won't be enough room on the front to fit that pesky Red Ring Of Death. Problem solved!
Nope! Looks like MS likes their Xbox "just the way it is". I didn't want to be the first to say it, but I think Microsoft might be "chubby chasers".
Jeff Somogyi is dealnews' Media Editor. He is aware that compiling a "best of" list of his own material is a bit of a "comedy gray zone" ... but when has moral imperative ever stopped him before?