- iPhone 5 to have a larger display and will cost less?
The accountancy department had to be sedated — they've never had to deal with something as awful as a "more for less" situation at Apple, before.
- HTC Thunderbolt delayed due to poor battery life?
A prime example of Morissettian Irony. Why, I suppose it is like rain on a wedding day ...
- Viggo Mortensen to play General Zod in new Superman movie?
As long as there are no bath house fisticuffs, I'm cool with that. Krypton Promises?
- Amazon to give the Kindle away for free by November?
Based upon a line on a "price-over-time" graph, no less! Try explaining similar charts for big screen TVs to the cops who show up at your door.
- Charlie Sheen appearing in The Hangover 2?
Yeah, cuz by the summer, Charlie Sheen references are still going to be topical. Look: Charlie spazzing out, crying, "WINNING!" in that film is going to be about as cringe-inducing as your stepdad saying he bought your mother a new "piece of bling".
- Gordon Brown knight-blocked Steve Jobs?
Ugh. As if Steve's head wasn't big enough already. "That's SIR Steve Jobs!"
Of note, Gordon Brown used to be someone important in England, or something.
- Apple store will stop selling things?
I guess the long-game is to empty them out completely. Over time, they'll turn into "Apple Experience Centers" in which you stand around, bathing in the light of a glowing Apple logo to prepare your soul for the next spiritual upgrade (for only $9.99 — they'd prefer not to charge, but they swear it's an SEC regulation.)
- Best Buy handing out iPads to all employees?
Is the chance to touch an iPad enough incentive to put up with the scorn (deserved or not) that the customers heap on you, every day?
- Quaker Oats killing off Cap'n Crunch?
If Jean LaFoot couldn't kill him, what made Quaker think they had a chance? And, anyway, everyone knows crunchberries bestow immortal life (why do you think boxes of "Oops! All Berries" are so sought-after?!)
Jeff Somogyi is the dealnews Media Editor. Follow his ongoing crusade against the Soggies on Twitter @dzheough.