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iPad 3 Rumor Roundup: TRUEmors and Fantasies

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By , dealnews Media Editor

Since the Apple event to announce the iPad 3 is in a few days, we thought we'd do something slightly different for the Rumor Roundup, this week. Not only are we rounding up the "true" rumors about the iPad 3, but also our hopes and (fever) dreams of what we'd like to see in the next version. See if you can spot the difference!

1) It Will Have 4G LTE Connectivity
Since Verizon has said that all new devices on their network must support their zippy new 4G infrastructure, this one is probably true. (Unless — TWIST — Verizon isn't carrying the iPad anymore! Bum Bum Bahhhhhh.) And it's ABOUT TIME. I'm sick of my phone taking forever to transmit my latest Word With Friend! I mean, what is that taking, now?! Like, 15 seconds?! AUGH!

2) It Will Fly
OK, OK, OK. This is clearly a lie. But it will hover. Slightly. (In the prescence of two di-opposed magnetic fields and only under lab conditions, sure, but let's not split hairs.) George Lucas will then go back and CG in an iPad to replace the hoverboards in "Back To the Future 2." What's that? B2TF2 isn't a Lucas movie, you say? Look. The man is clearly insane and he'll do what he wants.

3) It Will Have Voice Recognition
You will be able to shout to your iPad 3, "Siri! Do my laundry!" and it'll sit there and tell you where the nearest laundry shops are. We live in the future, people, don't you forget it!

4) Siri Will be Replaced with a New Voice They Call, "Yahoo SIRIous"
I'd fill this space with memorable quotes from "Young Einstein," but I think we can all agree it was pretty unmemorable. (Heck, I had to Google to remember the title at all!)

5) It Will Have Gorilla Glass
Apple finally reaching out to the niche market of iPad / Ape owners complaining that Tracy* is too heavy-handed with their tablet. That is one narrow Venn Diagram.
*You know? The ape from that weird "Ghostbusters" cartoon.

6) It Will Have a Capacitive Bezel
Why stop there? Why not make every part of it touch-capable? That way, there is no way to carry the thing around without sending weird texts, opening and closing apps, and launching Angry Birds.
Alternate Universe Joke: Apple was standing on the edge of their toilet hanging a clock. The porcelain was wet. They slipped, hit their head on the sink. And when they came to...

7) It'll Come in Regular and Mini Sizes, Too
Hey Apple! Leave the "multiple editions" to Microsoft, would yah?! I mean, seriously! Have you seen how many editions of Windows 8 there are going to be? Windows 8 Starter, Windows 8 Home Basic, Windows 8 Home Premium, Windows 8 Professional, Windows 8 Professional Plus, Windows 8 Enterprise, Windows 8 Enterprise Eval (?), Windows 8 Ultimate, and Windows 8 ARM Edition. (What does that have to do with the iPad? Nothing, just wanted to vent a little about Windows 8.)

8) Fruit Flavors
The SNOZberry tastes like Snozberry! The Apple tastes like ... well, plastic and silicone with top-notes of solder.

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Jeff Somogyi is the dealnews Media Editor. He shows no sign of slowing. See more of his golden tickets on Twitter or on his blog. You can also sign up for an email alert for all dealnews features.
Please note that, although prices sometimes fluctuate or expire unexpectedly, all products and deals mentioned in this feature were available at the lowest total price we could find at the time of publication (unless otherwise specified).
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